I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The beer is more important than you right now.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
