im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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