So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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