I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
