Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
