so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
