I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize