I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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