This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
