If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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