Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Randomize
