Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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