I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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