So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
