I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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