i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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