Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
