the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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