Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
