You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
