Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Randomize
