we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
