fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
