I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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