...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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