how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
