living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
