it was like his penis was on wheels.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
