Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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