Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
