he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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