the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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