If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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