It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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