the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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