im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
In America we eat man semen.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
