Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Come on in and take your pants off
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