so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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