maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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