I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
