I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
