just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
