Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You're a waste of cheezeits
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
