what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
