Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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