The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
