I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize