i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
