I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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