the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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