he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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