Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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