He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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