smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
