im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
