Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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