Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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