Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
