peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
