8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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