I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
