I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Randomize
