yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
