On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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